Magical Healing

I know I haven't blogged in forever.  But I don't really like to.  I feel too exposed!!  

But today marks a watershed in my life.  It has been 3 years since my divorce was final.  

Three years ago today I was sitting at a court house being forced to dissolve my marriage.  I thought I would remember that date forever.  Because it was the day my life was over, it was the day that God had forgotten me.  It was the day that I fell apart.  And honestly I didn't know where I would go from there.  How I would live and make it through each day.  

BUT that was three years ago.  And now I remember that day not because of what it ended, but what it began.  It's been a journey.  And because I am hard headed and have to learn the hard way, God wanted my heart.  And once I lost everything I finally became willing to give it to Him.  I have mustered strength when I thought I couldn't go on.  I have had so many wonderful people that God has put in my life that have encouraged me to go and supported me when I needed it.  As horrible as it all has been I appreciate that it has brought me to who I am and much closer to God.

I have a friend who is also divorced and he once quoted me a statistic that said on average it takes about 3 years to heal from a divorce.  So I guess I am magically healed now!!  Of course there is no magic.  God has healed a lot of my wounds and continues to grow me.  But we all have had hurts and situations that scarred us.  And I believe we will never be fully healed until we go and sit at His table in heaven.  

I had a friend turn 30 recently and she was saddened because she didn't think she would be where she was at this point in her life.  I think we all hit that point.  Where the picture that we grew up dreaming about isn't reality.  But I think that it what being content is.  And counting the blessings that God has given you.  I wish I wasn't divorced, I wish I wasn't alone, I wish I didn't have to make all the decisions by myself, I wish I had someone to share the load with Hannah.  But those aren't how things are.  And you know what I am perfectly fine with that (well maybe not perfectly but I try).  I have an amazing peace and joy with where I am right now.  I know God is faithful and He will give me what I need when His timing is right.  I struggle with that at times, but when I'm struggling I miss the important things in life. 

Mark, my pastor, talked about how insignificant our lives are today.  Sounds encouraging right?  But it is true.  That we need to focus on God's glory and His plan because our 70-80 years is very small in comparison to forever.  He said something to the effect of live like our lives have a point and we are not it.  I love it.  It's not about me.  It's about His love shining through me.

And here is a picture of Hannah and I 3 years ago: (oh did I forget to mention that the day after I signed the papers we went to Hawaii and stayed with my aunt?)

Honest Cries of Breaking Hearts

I started this because I have a lot of thoughts. I wanted to be bold and honest. But it is scary. I don't like to be vulnerable. I don't like to let people in. I don't like to ask for help. I like to do things on my own.

These last couple of weeks have been hard on me. There have been a lot of changes in my life. And they were changes that were forced on me, not my choices. So I have no control. If you have ever met me you know I am a control freak. So it has been very difficult. And some of these choices don't just hurt me they hurt the ones I love. I can't protect them, let alone myself.

I've been thinking: why is all this happening? I have had a lot of "growing" pains over the last 3 years. I've been taught many lessons and had many trials to heal and become who God wants me to be. It's easy to get lost in the things of this life. But I had an ah-ha moment tonight. I got a call from an amazing person who gave me a good perspective and reminded me that all my trials help me be a better mother for Hannah, and will help her break the cycle of negativeness.

Then I picked up my bible. I'm reading Luke. And this is in the chapter I read:

"Be on guard, so that your hearts will not be weighted down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of life, and that day will not come on you suddenly like a trap; for it will come upon all those who dwell on the face of all the earth. But keep on the alert at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are about to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man" Luke 21:34-36

It was the worries of this life that spoke to me. There are 3 songs that mean a lot to me right now. One is Blessings by Laura Story. Beautiful song. It reminds me that God uses our hurts to draw us close. There is a line that kind of catches me off guard: "When friends betray us, When darkness seems to win, We know that pain reminds this heart, That this is not, this is not our home" This life is temporary. The pain isn't forever. Jesus tells us to not get weighted down by the worries of this life.

I wish I could say I am patient and understanding and take each trial with a smile. I don't. Which is where the second song comes in Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant. It's weird to think that He can care for my silly problems. But if I cry out to Him, I am sharing giving Him my burdens. And I have to give it to Him not to be weighed down.

The last song is Never Once by Matt Redman. Very simple song. I don't have to be alone. I can't do it alone. The verses above says that we should be on alert and pray for strength. My favorite part in this song is when he says "but with joy our hearts can say never once did we ever walk alone" Not our minds or our logic but with our hearts.

So my blog is Beautiful Mess. Sometimes that is all I can be. I don't have the answers. But I know where to turn and I know God is faithful.

A Poem

So I like to write. Mostly in my journal to God. I thought I'd share a poem that came to me tonight.

I sit here alone, afraid

but not from a storm or a raid

Not sure what I want or need

but I trust that you will feed

I am broken, without repair

but you have promised, and I won't despair

My plans are useless and they fail

You are my shepherd and You prevail

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!!

So we have officially moved. Hannah and I love having our own place. Its funny how home ownership can make someone feel. For me it was a BIG step. It is the first big financial decision I have made all by myself!! I've always had someone to fall back on. And this time it is all me. And as scary as that sounds. It feels good. God has blessed me in so many ways it is amazing. He is so faithful!! Even Rudder has been calm in the new place!!

Tonight was suppose to be Hannah's first swim lessons. But it decided to rain. And as sad as Hannah was that her lesson got cancelled. She said it's okay Mommy there will be another lesson. I love that she chose to make the best of the situation. It warms my heart. Now if I can just get her to have that attitude when I tell her no for a new toy or candy :) Baby steps!!

Here is a picture from our visit to the zoo:

Growing up

So Hannah turned 5! I can't believe she is getting so big!! Birthdays always make me think of how special each life is. I LOVE making someone's day super special. For her birthday I let her choose what she wanted to do. So here is what she chose:

We slept in. Then we went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. As we were leaving (we were in a huge hurry to get to her dr appointment), she stopped at the photo booth and said "Mommy don't you at least want to take a picture with me" And of course I love photo booths and pictures of us so I risked being late to enjoy a moment. We still made it to the dr on time. And NO SHOTS!! Hannah was pumped. She is very healthy and doing great. Then we went to get pampered by getting our nails done. Hannah had so much fun!!

Here is the nail design she chose

A late lunch at Taco Bell. Hannah's favorite restaurant. She then wanted to get her hair cut. We finished off at Starbucks and had coffee/hot chocolate and talked. She is my sweet girl and so much fun to be with. It was the best day ever. She said so!!

So for the last week I've been focused on how things have change in my life in the past years. Its amazing how much time and God can heal your heart. Today at church we talked about having a strong foundation in Christ. And even though I know it, it was a small epiphany about how I use to be and far I've come and how I don't want to go back to old habits. I guess Hannah isn't the only one growing up!!

I love this time of year. It's a season of new beginnings and of new growth. What a beautiful day and wonderful week. I am excited to see what this new season of life with bring!!

Clothing yourself

So at Club Hub (the Jr High worship service at church) The kids were asked to memorize a verse. And as any good leader would I did too. It always amazes me how God knows exactly what I need to hear and works it into my life. Here's the verse (from memory) "Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves in tender hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" Colossians 3:12

Things at work get stressful sometimes, as with any job, there is drama and people not doing their jobs properly or unrealistic expectations. Nothing out of the ordinary just stressful at times. And with the many illnesses and extreme cold, this week has been very trying for me. As I have been memorizing this verse I have tried to make it meaningful and apply it. So when I feel myself getting stressed I think about clothing myself with patience. This is one I work on a lot. I can always be better at being patient. Nothing new really.

And then I started thinking what it means to clothe yourself with tender hearted mercy. I like to think I am a fairly compassionate person and I sympathetic to others, most of the time. So I kind of glossed over that one. But it got me to thinking when I get frustrated with someone in particular, that is when I need to clothe myself in tender hearted mercy. I thought it might just be a patience issue but I think its more. Mercy is freeing. It is more than patience it's forgiving, and acceptance. I want to be shown mercy when I mess up or make a bad choice. But sometimes I want to hold onto what others have done to me, or not even to me but that have effected me.

I like this verse too because it says He chose us to be His holy people whom He loves. That's right He chose us, and loves us. And because He chose us He wants the best for us. Like back in the day if you were loved by the king, you wore fancy robes, and rings etc. The king clothed you. Since our bodies will turn back into dust He wants to clothe us in eternal things like tender hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

It isn't an easy task but it sure does make life better

Choices

So recently I have felt "lack luster" like I know how special and unique God has made me. But I feel like the silver that your mom or grandmother had that just needed a good polish. I just didn't know how to get there. I know a lot has to do with the season. I miss my grandmother. She went to heaven last Thanksgiving. It seems I am sick every couple of days. And I miss Hannah much more during the Holidays than my other "mandatory me" weekends. It is always tough to be single around the holidays too. I miss having someone to share the joy of the season.

So with all this. i just haven't been feeling it. And I know it has shown. Our pastor said something that hit home during our First Thursday service. He said "you don't live in your feelings, you live in your choices" I tell Hannah on a daily basis to make choice. And I feel my heavenly father reminds me that I too must make choices.

"If you wait for the perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done!" Ecclesiastes 11:4