Pushing Through

Its been a different couple of days for me.

So as most of you know I have an auto immune disease, Sjogrens. It's bearable most of the time. Dry eyes, dry mouth, sometimes my arms feel like I worked out when I didn't. We the last couple of days I am having a "flare up" it happens everyone once in awhile. I have a sore in my mouth, I couldn't wear my contacts today b/c my eyes were burning, and I'm achey. I can handle all that. But I also have fatigue. I am having a hard time focusing and I have little patience. I am exhausted!! There isn't anything I can take and more rest or exercising doesn't seem to make big difference. Its just something I have to go through. But I am reminded that it could be so much worse and I'm very thankful I don't have Lupus (which is common w/ this).

I was driving home from IHOP last night. And there was a man selling water at the light. I politely waved no thank you. He motioned that Hannah was so adorable. The light was long so I ended up rolling down my window he wanted to give her a free bottle. He showed me a picture of his little girl, she is 6 months. I always feel so awkward in those situations. While my heart goes out to him, I can't help to judge him. What has he done? Does he even need the money? But behind all that he is a person. When the light turned green he said God Bless you and I said it back. Hannah said why did you say God bless you? no one sneezed. so sweet.

We also made a chore chart. My best friend did one for her daughter and it seems to be working so its worth a shot. So far she is very excited. She can't wait to clean her room to get that sticker!!

A Heart Of Forgiveness

So my life has had too much drama in the last week. And it all hinges on forgiveness. People will always wrong us. Some one will hurt us to our core. For me two people come to mind. My father and my ex husband. Both did unspeakable things that broke me to the core of who I am. So it made me angry and it hurt. I would talk to others and vent. But more than that I would want others to take my side I wanted to hear people say that is awful, your right. But as I wallowed in my hurt, I realized talking to all of these people didn't hurt my ex, but it turned me into this horrible monster. I became a victim that needed the attention and wanted to hurt my ex more than I hurt. When I realized how bitter and negative it made me. I was difficult to be around. I was angry about everything. So when I finally was able to go to God and ask Him for some divine intervention, my heart softened and I was able to begin to heal. It took some time and growing pains, but I saw that all my bitterness and my gossip did nothing but spread negative things and affected my life, my friends life, and my daughters life. It isn't for me to judge or give punishment on anyone, that is for God.

So even though neither one of them acknowledged or asked for forgiveness, I forgave them in my heart. It was hard. Especially since I will have to deal with them probably for the rest of my life. With my ex almost every day. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath or remove myself from a conversation or situation to continue to forgive him. It is hard to continue to deal with people who have wronged you. You can't change the other person or control their actions. But you can change you and control your actions.

I am careful who I vent to. Some people have a spouse to vent to, I do not I have my friends. But I am careful what I vent and how I vent. They have to understand that I am just upset and letting it out. I also have learned to let it out once and drop it. Its over. I will never change my ex or father into someone they don't choose to be. I have accepted that. But I choose to be the person God calls me to be. We all have people like that in our lives. What choices will you make? It is still a struggle for me. But God is always there to take away the anger and bitterness.

Lord, thank you for forgiving me when I do wrong. Please continue to guide me to choose forgiveness everyday. I can't do it myself. Please bring peace into my life. Take away all the distractions that pull me away from you. Please draw me close to you. Amen