Choices

So recently I have felt "lack luster" like I know how special and unique God has made me. But I feel like the silver that your mom or grandmother had that just needed a good polish. I just didn't know how to get there. I know a lot has to do with the season. I miss my grandmother. She went to heaven last Thanksgiving. It seems I am sick every couple of days. And I miss Hannah much more during the Holidays than my other "mandatory me" weekends. It is always tough to be single around the holidays too. I miss having someone to share the joy of the season.

So with all this. i just haven't been feeling it. And I know it has shown. Our pastor said something that hit home during our First Thursday service. He said "you don't live in your feelings, you live in your choices" I tell Hannah on a daily basis to make choice. And I feel my heavenly father reminds me that I too must make choices.

"If you wait for the perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done!" Ecclesiastes 11:4

Nearly- Normal still isn't Normal

Tomorrow is our annual Texans tailgate party at church. Its really awesome. There are several teams working over night to make the best BBQ and a carnival and games, and a silent auction. Should be a great time. However I am nervous and anxious. I kind of want to just stay in bed!! While everybody is trying all different kinds of BBQ I will either not eat anything or spend my day asking what went into their sauce and explaining my reaction to gluten.

I wish I could just go and eat. Not think about it. Not have to worry if I can share a drink with Hannah or if anything touches my food. I signed up to bring cookies. Gluten free cookies of course! So I decided to put them in baggies and label them gluten free. And it made me so sad. To think that these might be the only thing I can eat tomorrow. I did it because surely in a church of a couple of thousand people someone else has celiac disease and would appreciate them. But that little voice whispers "everyone is going to look at them and think something is wrong with them, they will not get eaten and you will have wasted your time." I know this isn't the truth but I am tired and worn out.

I bought some special flour. Its called Jules Nearly Normal Flour. What a name to make someone feel un-normal. So I guess I am not normal, I'm just nearly normal.

Talents

On Sunday we had a missionary come visit Club Hub. He was young, had longer hair, rode a skateboard, basically he was cool. He wasn't my picture of what a missionary is. Which is great!! I just grew up with them being stuffy and prim and proper. I get my image mostly from my grandparents who were voluntary missionaries. Any way. He talked about talents and listening to the desires of your heart. He talked so freshly and with so much passion it gave me chills. It is how I feel when I go hang out with the junior highers and I meet someone new.

All week we have been preparing for our Halloween party at work. I am on the C.A.R.E. team. And as you all know I'm bossy. I admit it. But its how things get done. Everyone wants to give ideas but its hard to get started and that is what I do. And I have enjoyed it. I like organizing and putting things together.

And on Wednesday we had team building. I really wasn't looking forward to it. But we had a puzzle to solve. We had a grid and we had to get each member across the correct path with in 28 minutes. Oh yeah we couldn't talk. And we had some one who didn't know what we were doing and was blindfolded added to the mix. It was exciting and fun to solve a problem and achieve success- in 23 minutes I might add!! And the whole room was elated. Everyone had a huge smile on their faces and was laughing and sharing. That was amazing.

So this week has been a focus on talents and passion and desire. I think the biggest roadblock to these things is fear and self esteem and self awareness. I may not be called to go to a foreign country or do something HUGE, but I am called. One thing our missionary visitor said that stuck with me was "God isn't going to say why weren't you more like Mother Theresa, He's going to say why weren't you more like you?" So who are you? What are your talents? Who did God make you to be?

No blog is complete without a picture. Here is Hannah riding on a horse at the HALTER farm. Oh and according to Hannah she is going to be a cheerleader, soccer player, teacher, and mommy when she grows up!!

So its been a crazy a week. I am not loving this celiac disease!!! Its not that is hard, but its the unknown. Like right now it is going to take a couple of months for my stomach to feel completely better. And I think one of my medications my contain gluten. So I stopped taking them. Just temporarily. Neither are vital. So after three days of the worst stomach pain and nausea so far, I am finally feeling better. Just in time for my birthday.

I went to Chick fil a yesterday. Yep I can eat at normal places too. But each time I eat out I am taking a risk of cross contamination. But I had a successful meal. I had a chargrilled chicken and fruit salad and waffle fries!! Yummy :) I needed some "comfort" food. I am feeling a little alone. My sister, who also shares Sjogrens (another auto immune) with me. got tested to see if she has celiac disease b/c she has chronic acid reflux and stomach pain. And her test came back negative. Not that I want her to be sick, but it would have been nice to have someone to share this with. She is a sweet heart though. She is going to do the gluten free diet too. Mostly because it could make her feel better anyway.

So with all that. I am happy. I have been in a really good place lately. God has been blessing me with little things and peace. I have some amazing friends and a wonderful family. And Hannah has been so awesome. I have to be very open with her about this, to keep me from getting sick. And so whenever she eats anything she either asks me if it has gluten or states if it is safe or not. She is so wonderful about it. Mostly b/c she knows how bad it is when I don't feel good.

The quotes that have been running through my head have been "life is what you make it" and "intentions mean nothing its the choices that make a difference" I couldn't agree more. I am teaching Hannah that all of her choices have results some good some bad. But so do mine. So what I can't eat like normal people any more, so what I'm divorced, so what I have a chronic auto immune. None of these things define who I am. I had a friend say that its not your problem that someone might find you annoying or difficult or drama (or some other not so great trait) , its their problem for not taking the time to get know you.

Is it Friday yet?

Its been a long week already!!! I had my endoscopy and my colonoscopy Tuesday. Today I lived in a fog from the drugs. It wasn't bad FYI so if your 50+ or have a history you need to get it done!! I can give you some pointers!

Anyway, they think I might have Celiac Disease. Another auto immune which is basically an allergic reaction to gluten (a wheat product). Yep that is right no more bread. And there are a lot of products that use wheat as a binding agent or a thickening agent. So I start to google because I AM the google doctor. And I'm thinking so if I cut out gluten then I won't have to worry as much about my weight. Well b/c of the allergic reaction my body hasn't been absorbing the nutrients I need (thats why I have been "off my game" mentally, and so darn tired). So just like in anorexia once your body gets what it needs it hoards and starts to store just in case this happens again. So I have to be super careful or I will gain back all that I have worked so hard to lose.

So its hard to not feel sorry for myself and hide. My friend wrote in her blog that someone encouraged her group to "turn off the TV and start living" And I made me realize this is going to take a lot of work. But I have a choice. I can be proactive and creative and live life or I can feel sorry for myself. Its also motivation to do more with Hannah. We have been going to the library every week for 3 weeks!! I love spending that kind of time with her.

That Peaceful Easy Feeling

There have been a couple of songs that have been speaking to me. One goes "I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned" and I heard a new one by Steven Curtis Chapman today"God is God and I am not, I can only see a part of the picture He's painting, God is God and I am man, So I'll never understand it all" And on the radio they were talking about Steven's daughter who was killed in a tragic accident. And she asked for other stories where God had given peace to others. She gave the bible verse "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid" John 14:27

God has given me lots of peace in the last two years. With a divorce, being diagnosed with an auto immune, and change of jobs. And just coping with a preschooler on my own has required a lot. And God has more than come through for me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed to tears on how much he has provided for me. Laura, our pastor's wife, talked about the story of Noah on Thursday night and she quoted the verse "God remembered Noah" and the know that God has remembered me is an amazing feeling.

My newest peace from God came this week actually. I've had a stomach ache for about 2 weeks now. The pain was so bad I finally went to the doctor. I found out on Thursday I am going to have to have a colonoscopy so they can make sure its not an ulcer. And amazingly enough I didn't cry. I'm a little nervous, but God has given me a peace, and has prepared me. Laura blogged about her colonoscopy only a week or two ago!! So I know what to expect. The first thing out of my best friends mouth was: Let me know what day it is so I can take you. And I have even encouraged another friend to get hers done (she has family history of colon cancer). So even though its not going to be fun, its going to be okay. And strangely enough my ex (by the grace of God, we are getting along). Said he would help out or bring me anything if I needed it. So who knew a very private and just gross procedure could make a simple girl feel so loved. I know, this stuff only happens to me. But that is what makes me--me!!

So no matter what I know God has an amazing plan for me. As He does for you. So no matter what is happening in your life, maybe its for a bigger plan of more happiness for you. And just remind yourself, at least I don't have to have a colonoscopy!!

Structure

I am dying for some structure or schedule or just a nice routine, busy or not. I'm not sure when that will be but it sounds nice.

So a friend led me to the website of www.hubbardscupboard.org. Its a Christian based character building. I started doing it this week with Hannah. She wants so much to be able to read. I was amazed that she remembered most of the bible verse and the song we sang. She woke up this morning telling me she remembered it!! And we read the creation story. It was fun. The bible verse this week is "But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way" 1 Corinthians 14:40. when I read it to her she said that I made that up so she would clean her room and make her bed!! She was shocked that God would want her to do that!!

We had a good time. But the biggest disturbance in our peace is soccer. Oh why did I ever agree to soccer? Oh because I thought she would enjoy it. It has caused a lot of trading days and disagreements amongst parents. Her first game is Saturday so I hope she participates!!

For the first time I have some goals that I want to accomplish but still trying to figure out how it all fits in. I want run the 8K in the Turkey Trot in November. I want to read more. I want to cook more things at home. I want to buy a house. I want to be more involved with the youth at church. But its hard to figure how to make it happen. And how to make it happen with a 4 year old. Luckily she wants to be just like me which means she wants to run, she wants to read, she wants to cook, she wants to meet the "kids", and she wants a safe place to live. There is a happy medium here somewhere. My biggest fear is that I will get frustrated and just shut down and do nothing. Its my job to teach my daughter. I want to teach and nurture and spend good time with her. I know all moms do. I love my mini me!!

And no blog is a blog with out a picture. This is Hannah, me, Rochelle and Raegan at the NB 1K. I ran the 5K in 36:01!!

Pushing Through

Its been a different couple of days for me.

So as most of you know I have an auto immune disease, Sjogrens. It's bearable most of the time. Dry eyes, dry mouth, sometimes my arms feel like I worked out when I didn't. We the last couple of days I am having a "flare up" it happens everyone once in awhile. I have a sore in my mouth, I couldn't wear my contacts today b/c my eyes were burning, and I'm achey. I can handle all that. But I also have fatigue. I am having a hard time focusing and I have little patience. I am exhausted!! There isn't anything I can take and more rest or exercising doesn't seem to make big difference. Its just something I have to go through. But I am reminded that it could be so much worse and I'm very thankful I don't have Lupus (which is common w/ this).

I was driving home from IHOP last night. And there was a man selling water at the light. I politely waved no thank you. He motioned that Hannah was so adorable. The light was long so I ended up rolling down my window he wanted to give her a free bottle. He showed me a picture of his little girl, she is 6 months. I always feel so awkward in those situations. While my heart goes out to him, I can't help to judge him. What has he done? Does he even need the money? But behind all that he is a person. When the light turned green he said God Bless you and I said it back. Hannah said why did you say God bless you? no one sneezed. so sweet.

We also made a chore chart. My best friend did one for her daughter and it seems to be working so its worth a shot. So far she is very excited. She can't wait to clean her room to get that sticker!!

A Heart Of Forgiveness

So my life has had too much drama in the last week. And it all hinges on forgiveness. People will always wrong us. Some one will hurt us to our core. For me two people come to mind. My father and my ex husband. Both did unspeakable things that broke me to the core of who I am. So it made me angry and it hurt. I would talk to others and vent. But more than that I would want others to take my side I wanted to hear people say that is awful, your right. But as I wallowed in my hurt, I realized talking to all of these people didn't hurt my ex, but it turned me into this horrible monster. I became a victim that needed the attention and wanted to hurt my ex more than I hurt. When I realized how bitter and negative it made me. I was difficult to be around. I was angry about everything. So when I finally was able to go to God and ask Him for some divine intervention, my heart softened and I was able to begin to heal. It took some time and growing pains, but I saw that all my bitterness and my gossip did nothing but spread negative things and affected my life, my friends life, and my daughters life. It isn't for me to judge or give punishment on anyone, that is for God.

So even though neither one of them acknowledged or asked for forgiveness, I forgave them in my heart. It was hard. Especially since I will have to deal with them probably for the rest of my life. With my ex almost every day. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath or remove myself from a conversation or situation to continue to forgive him. It is hard to continue to deal with people who have wronged you. You can't change the other person or control their actions. But you can change you and control your actions.

I am careful who I vent to. Some people have a spouse to vent to, I do not I have my friends. But I am careful what I vent and how I vent. They have to understand that I am just upset and letting it out. I also have learned to let it out once and drop it. Its over. I will never change my ex or father into someone they don't choose to be. I have accepted that. But I choose to be the person God calls me to be. We all have people like that in our lives. What choices will you make? It is still a struggle for me. But God is always there to take away the anger and bitterness.

Lord, thank you for forgiving me when I do wrong. Please continue to guide me to choose forgiveness everyday. I can't do it myself. Please bring peace into my life. Take away all the distractions that pull me away from you. Please draw me close to you. Amen

And never is heard a discouraging word

I had my annual review Thursday at work. It went well. We talked about what my struggles and my triumphs. I got good marks. But one thing that my boss said caught me off guard. He said that I did a good job of listening to a coworker vent and redirecting her in a positive way. Wow. I thought this was the best compliment EVER!!

I think we all want to make a positive mark on this world. We all want to be known for something amazing, to be part of a big plan. BUT I think that something as simple as listening and redirecting makes a big difference. I think that is part of my special talents. That is the something big I am meant to do. So it makes me feel good to know that I made a difference. No matter how big or small.

Have you seen "If you really knew me" on MTV? Its about a high school that goes through a challenge day where they become real and share their struggles and hurts. And they get a different perspective on others and they all try to change their ways for the better to support instead of tear down, to lean on each other instead of attack. What an amazing thing!!

So I am challenging myself to work harder to see the positive side. And to find some way to build or encourage everyone I touch. And those people who get on my nerves (especially at work) to step back and remember they are probably struggling with something to and face them with more compassion.

Hurry up and wait

So I am not sure why I have been chosen to endure so many trials... probably b/c I keep asking God to make me the best me I can be. So I am tired of this single thing. I have been praying for patience for God's best for me. Well on Monday I was impatient so I asked for a sign or something. Well I have a devotional emailed to me each day and guess what Monday's title was? The Waiting. What seriously?! That was not the sign I wanted. I didn't read it. Not right away anyway. Here was the verse it gave "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14 Alright I get it wait. So just to make sure I learn that I am not in control. I go out to say good bye to a friend. And the valet breaks my car!! Yeah he forced the gear shift and bent some rods or something. So at 9:30 I am waiting outside in the middle of Westhiemer waiting. I waited for an awesome friend to come get me. Then I waited for the 1st wrecker. Then I waited for the 2nd wrecker. and then I waited for the 3rd wrecker who could actually tow my car. So about 4 hours later. I was home. Then I waited for the dealership to call, then I waited to see if my warranty would cover it. And through the whole thing. I was at peace. I knew that it would all work out because I trust Him and His will. So my warranty DOES cover everything. What a blessing!! So how lucky am I that He proves to me that He will provide.

So I'm waiting. And today it is a little easier than it was yesterday.

Neither here nor there

I wanted to write a blog for one simple reason: someone to listen...lol

I chose beautiful mess because I am not perfect and I over react and sometimes have drama and I make mistakes... basically I am a mess... but I am made in His image an that makes me a beautiful mess :)

I am in a strange place. I am single, but not single minded (I'm not that clever, a friend coined the phrase). I don't quite fit in with a lot of the single people out there. I can go out and do what I want whenever I want to, when I am without Hannah. BUT I also get to think like a parent. Play dates, early bed times. So sometimes I feel like I live in two worlds. Since I am forced to be without Hannah, I do get the luxury of having my own time, a luxury some moms/dads don't get. I wish it wasn't that way but it really helps me be a better parent. Most parents feel guilty for doing things for themselves or taking time a way from their children. And because it is mandatory I have chosen to see it as a blessing.

I hope that no one is ever put in my situation, but I do hope that my parent friends realize how important it is to take care of themselves to recharge and refocus!!

So I am waiting for some laundry to finish before I go to bed. I find it funny that I am the loneliest when I have a lot to do. Most single girls when they are lonely want someone to cuddle with and be romantic. And I want help around the house...lol I miss the other stuff to but I am actually happy being single at this moment. I don't want it to be forever but I like the idea of if I want to go do something or buy something I don't have to check with anyone.

I have a great life. I have an amazing family, friends, and of course the most perfect little girl!! I know that God has a BIG plan for me and He is already showing me. So here is being patient and enjoying every moment.

Here this beautiful mess's little mess :)