I started this because I have a lot of thoughts. I wanted to be bold and honest. But it is scary. I don't like to be vulnerable. I don't like to let people in. I don't like to ask for help. I like to do things on my own.
These last couple of weeks have been hard on me. There have been a lot of changes in my life. And they were changes that were forced on me, not my choices. So I have no control. If you have ever met me you know I am a control freak. So it has been very difficult. And some of these choices don't just hurt me they hurt the ones I love. I can't protect them, let alone myself.
I've been thinking: why is all this happening? I have had a lot of "growing" pains over the last 3 years. I've been taught many lessons and had many trials to heal and become who God wants me to be. It's easy to get lost in the things of this life. But I had an ah-ha moment tonight. I got a call from an amazing person who gave me a good perspective and reminded me that all my trials help me be a better mother for Hannah, and will help her break the cycle of negativeness.
Then I picked up my bible. I'm reading Luke. And this is in the chapter I read:
"Be on guard, so that your hearts will not be weighted down with dissipation and drunkenness and the worries of life, and that day will not come on you suddenly like a trap; for it will come upon all those who dwell on the face of all the earth. But keep on the alert at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are about to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man" Luke 21:34-36
It was the worries of this life that spoke to me. There are 3 songs that mean a lot to me right now. One is Blessings by Laura Story. Beautiful song. It reminds me that God uses our hurts to draw us close. There is a line that kind of catches me off guard: "When friends betray us, When darkness seems to win, We know that pain reminds this heart, That this is not, this is not our home" This life is temporary. The pain isn't forever. Jesus tells us to not get weighted down by the worries of this life.
I wish I could say I am patient and understanding and take each trial with a smile. I don't. Which is where the second song comes in Better Than A Hallelujah by Amy Grant. It's weird to think that He can care for my silly problems. But if I cry out to Him, I am sharing giving Him my burdens. And I have to give it to Him not to be weighed down.
The last song is Never Once by Matt Redman. Very simple song. I don't have to be alone. I can't do it alone. The verses above says that we should be on alert and pray for strength. My favorite part in this song is when he says "but with joy our hearts can say never once did we ever walk alone" Not our minds or our logic but with our hearts.
So my blog is Beautiful Mess. Sometimes that is all I can be. I don't have the answers. But I know where to turn and I know God is faithful.
