Clothing yourself

So at Club Hub (the Jr High worship service at church) The kids were asked to memorize a verse. And as any good leader would I did too. It always amazes me how God knows exactly what I need to hear and works it into my life. Here's the verse (from memory) "Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves in tender hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience" Colossians 3:12

Things at work get stressful sometimes, as with any job, there is drama and people not doing their jobs properly or unrealistic expectations. Nothing out of the ordinary just stressful at times. And with the many illnesses and extreme cold, this week has been very trying for me. As I have been memorizing this verse I have tried to make it meaningful and apply it. So when I feel myself getting stressed I think about clothing myself with patience. This is one I work on a lot. I can always be better at being patient. Nothing new really.

And then I started thinking what it means to clothe yourself with tender hearted mercy. I like to think I am a fairly compassionate person and I sympathetic to others, most of the time. So I kind of glossed over that one. But it got me to thinking when I get frustrated with someone in particular, that is when I need to clothe myself in tender hearted mercy. I thought it might just be a patience issue but I think its more. Mercy is freeing. It is more than patience it's forgiving, and acceptance. I want to be shown mercy when I mess up or make a bad choice. But sometimes I want to hold onto what others have done to me, or not even to me but that have effected me.

I like this verse too because it says He chose us to be His holy people whom He loves. That's right He chose us, and loves us. And because He chose us He wants the best for us. Like back in the day if you were loved by the king, you wore fancy robes, and rings etc. The king clothed you. Since our bodies will turn back into dust He wants to clothe us in eternal things like tender hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

It isn't an easy task but it sure does make life better

Choices

So recently I have felt "lack luster" like I know how special and unique God has made me. But I feel like the silver that your mom or grandmother had that just needed a good polish. I just didn't know how to get there. I know a lot has to do with the season. I miss my grandmother. She went to heaven last Thanksgiving. It seems I am sick every couple of days. And I miss Hannah much more during the Holidays than my other "mandatory me" weekends. It is always tough to be single around the holidays too. I miss having someone to share the joy of the season.

So with all this. i just haven't been feeling it. And I know it has shown. Our pastor said something that hit home during our First Thursday service. He said "you don't live in your feelings, you live in your choices" I tell Hannah on a daily basis to make choice. And I feel my heavenly father reminds me that I too must make choices.

"If you wait for the perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done!" Ecclesiastes 11:4

Nearly- Normal still isn't Normal

Tomorrow is our annual Texans tailgate party at church. Its really awesome. There are several teams working over night to make the best BBQ and a carnival and games, and a silent auction. Should be a great time. However I am nervous and anxious. I kind of want to just stay in bed!! While everybody is trying all different kinds of BBQ I will either not eat anything or spend my day asking what went into their sauce and explaining my reaction to gluten.

I wish I could just go and eat. Not think about it. Not have to worry if I can share a drink with Hannah or if anything touches my food. I signed up to bring cookies. Gluten free cookies of course! So I decided to put them in baggies and label them gluten free. And it made me so sad. To think that these might be the only thing I can eat tomorrow. I did it because surely in a church of a couple of thousand people someone else has celiac disease and would appreciate them. But that little voice whispers "everyone is going to look at them and think something is wrong with them, they will not get eaten and you will have wasted your time." I know this isn't the truth but I am tired and worn out.

I bought some special flour. Its called Jules Nearly Normal Flour. What a name to make someone feel un-normal. So I guess I am not normal, I'm just nearly normal.

Talents

On Sunday we had a missionary come visit Club Hub. He was young, had longer hair, rode a skateboard, basically he was cool. He wasn't my picture of what a missionary is. Which is great!! I just grew up with them being stuffy and prim and proper. I get my image mostly from my grandparents who were voluntary missionaries. Any way. He talked about talents and listening to the desires of your heart. He talked so freshly and with so much passion it gave me chills. It is how I feel when I go hang out with the junior highers and I meet someone new.

All week we have been preparing for our Halloween party at work. I am on the C.A.R.E. team. And as you all know I'm bossy. I admit it. But its how things get done. Everyone wants to give ideas but its hard to get started and that is what I do. And I have enjoyed it. I like organizing and putting things together.

And on Wednesday we had team building. I really wasn't looking forward to it. But we had a puzzle to solve. We had a grid and we had to get each member across the correct path with in 28 minutes. Oh yeah we couldn't talk. And we had some one who didn't know what we were doing and was blindfolded added to the mix. It was exciting and fun to solve a problem and achieve success- in 23 minutes I might add!! And the whole room was elated. Everyone had a huge smile on their faces and was laughing and sharing. That was amazing.

So this week has been a focus on talents and passion and desire. I think the biggest roadblock to these things is fear and self esteem and self awareness. I may not be called to go to a foreign country or do something HUGE, but I am called. One thing our missionary visitor said that stuck with me was "God isn't going to say why weren't you more like Mother Theresa, He's going to say why weren't you more like you?" So who are you? What are your talents? Who did God make you to be?

No blog is complete without a picture. Here is Hannah riding on a horse at the HALTER farm. Oh and according to Hannah she is going to be a cheerleader, soccer player, teacher, and mommy when she grows up!!

So its been a crazy a week. I am not loving this celiac disease!!! Its not that is hard, but its the unknown. Like right now it is going to take a couple of months for my stomach to feel completely better. And I think one of my medications my contain gluten. So I stopped taking them. Just temporarily. Neither are vital. So after three days of the worst stomach pain and nausea so far, I am finally feeling better. Just in time for my birthday.

I went to Chick fil a yesterday. Yep I can eat at normal places too. But each time I eat out I am taking a risk of cross contamination. But I had a successful meal. I had a chargrilled chicken and fruit salad and waffle fries!! Yummy :) I needed some "comfort" food. I am feeling a little alone. My sister, who also shares Sjogrens (another auto immune) with me. got tested to see if she has celiac disease b/c she has chronic acid reflux and stomach pain. And her test came back negative. Not that I want her to be sick, but it would have been nice to have someone to share this with. She is a sweet heart though. She is going to do the gluten free diet too. Mostly because it could make her feel better anyway.

So with all that. I am happy. I have been in a really good place lately. God has been blessing me with little things and peace. I have some amazing friends and a wonderful family. And Hannah has been so awesome. I have to be very open with her about this, to keep me from getting sick. And so whenever she eats anything she either asks me if it has gluten or states if it is safe or not. She is so wonderful about it. Mostly b/c she knows how bad it is when I don't feel good.

The quotes that have been running through my head have been "life is what you make it" and "intentions mean nothing its the choices that make a difference" I couldn't agree more. I am teaching Hannah that all of her choices have results some good some bad. But so do mine. So what I can't eat like normal people any more, so what I'm divorced, so what I have a chronic auto immune. None of these things define who I am. I had a friend say that its not your problem that someone might find you annoying or difficult or drama (or some other not so great trait) , its their problem for not taking the time to get know you.

Is it Friday yet?

Its been a long week already!!! I had my endoscopy and my colonoscopy Tuesday. Today I lived in a fog from the drugs. It wasn't bad FYI so if your 50+ or have a history you need to get it done!! I can give you some pointers!

Anyway, they think I might have Celiac Disease. Another auto immune which is basically an allergic reaction to gluten (a wheat product). Yep that is right no more bread. And there are a lot of products that use wheat as a binding agent or a thickening agent. So I start to google because I AM the google doctor. And I'm thinking so if I cut out gluten then I won't have to worry as much about my weight. Well b/c of the allergic reaction my body hasn't been absorbing the nutrients I need (thats why I have been "off my game" mentally, and so darn tired). So just like in anorexia once your body gets what it needs it hoards and starts to store just in case this happens again. So I have to be super careful or I will gain back all that I have worked so hard to lose.

So its hard to not feel sorry for myself and hide. My friend wrote in her blog that someone encouraged her group to "turn off the TV and start living" And I made me realize this is going to take a lot of work. But I have a choice. I can be proactive and creative and live life or I can feel sorry for myself. Its also motivation to do more with Hannah. We have been going to the library every week for 3 weeks!! I love spending that kind of time with her.

That Peaceful Easy Feeling

There have been a couple of songs that have been speaking to me. One goes "I am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned" and I heard a new one by Steven Curtis Chapman today"God is God and I am not, I can only see a part of the picture He's painting, God is God and I am man, So I'll never understand it all" And on the radio they were talking about Steven's daughter who was killed in a tragic accident. And she asked for other stories where God had given peace to others. She gave the bible verse "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid" John 14:27

God has given me lots of peace in the last two years. With a divorce, being diagnosed with an auto immune, and change of jobs. And just coping with a preschooler on my own has required a lot. And God has more than come through for me. Sometimes I am overwhelmed to tears on how much he has provided for me. Laura, our pastor's wife, talked about the story of Noah on Thursday night and she quoted the verse "God remembered Noah" and the know that God has remembered me is an amazing feeling.

My newest peace from God came this week actually. I've had a stomach ache for about 2 weeks now. The pain was so bad I finally went to the doctor. I found out on Thursday I am going to have to have a colonoscopy so they can make sure its not an ulcer. And amazingly enough I didn't cry. I'm a little nervous, but God has given me a peace, and has prepared me. Laura blogged about her colonoscopy only a week or two ago!! So I know what to expect. The first thing out of my best friends mouth was: Let me know what day it is so I can take you. And I have even encouraged another friend to get hers done (she has family history of colon cancer). So even though its not going to be fun, its going to be okay. And strangely enough my ex (by the grace of God, we are getting along). Said he would help out or bring me anything if I needed it. So who knew a very private and just gross procedure could make a simple girl feel so loved. I know, this stuff only happens to me. But that is what makes me--me!!

So no matter what I know God has an amazing plan for me. As He does for you. So no matter what is happening in your life, maybe its for a bigger plan of more happiness for you. And just remind yourself, at least I don't have to have a colonoscopy!!